Welcome to Struggle Town, population Megan.
Thats where I have been for the past couple of weeks. Interesting place to be, wouldn't want to become a permenant citizen though. Why the struggle? Just because of stuff really- school stuff, but not school stuff, external stuff, internal stuff. At times my head is so full of school thoughts, God stuff, and home stuff that I just want to scream. And last week, scream is what I did. Its funny how God ratlles your thinking when you are the most tired you have been in a while, or when you are totally frustrated and bored. He is just like 'hey Meg, tell me about it.' So last week, I was bored and it made me totally edgy. Why was I bored? I struggle with sitting in a class room all day just listening to someone speak. Last weeks speaker had some good stuff to say, yet he had over 10 years of processing it and he dumped it all on us in four days and I could not focus. Instead, I spent time journaling and giving all my frustrations to God and just telling him what was going on inside my head and where I was at. At various times throughout the day I woud crack my journal open and just write what I was thinking, or song lyrics that came to mind. Looking back through these, I could see a pattern, and it clearly showed what God was telling me. God was just telling me to be still, slow down, know that he is God and that to hand everything over to Him. I don't have to strive to be the person I think I should be for God- he made me ME and he will meet me where I am at and walk with me.
Part of this relisation also came when we prayed for each other last week. We took time to ask God to give us something for each other. One of the girls got a picture of me running down a twisting corridor so fast that all the doors to exit were just passing by and I couldn't get out. At the time I was like ok whatever, but once I had time to process it, I was like yeah I do need to slow down. At times I just feel like I'm waiting for the next thing to happen, or counting down till out reach (which is less than a month away by the way), or waiting for the school day to finish. At times I forget where I am - and then I remember that I am in Vancouver and a massive smile spreads across my face.
Today instead of doing musical worship we were asked to write a song or a poem just to tell God how we were feeling or where we were at. So pretty much this is what I came up with and it totally sums up what I have learnt this past few weeks:
No longer will I have to strive,
from your love I cannot hide.
In your hand you hold my plan,
to meet me at the place I am.
Rest easy in your arms you say,
let anxieties doubts and fears slip away.
Open my heart, my mind and will,
and in your presence just be still.
